Tossing Bating practice while wondering why I wasn’t named American Idol...

“Thank you come again”…the Sox are out of first place again. They are kind of like the weird kids that show up at a party. You aren’t sure how they got there, or who they know. Everyone snickers behind their backs as they try to act cool, and talk to girls, knowing full well they have no shot. Nobody bothers to kick them out because they always come early and don’t stay very long. Overall they usually just provide a brief entertaining footnote to the party, which is usually forgotten about after excessive consumption of alcohol.

I will resist from making any outrageous comments regarding the barrage of technical fouls referee Joey Crawford gave the Mavs last night, for fear of getting one myself. It’s playoff time and I can’t let my ego get in the way of doing my job.

Don Nelson’s unborn grandson Dawny III just got a technical foul. I guess Mark Cuban knew what he was doing when he decided to hire seven assistant coaches

I have apparently been ejected from the remainder of this column. I decided to get a T to fire my material up, let’s face it they were lethargic today. Joey Crawford got overly confrontational and he gave single T’s to the grammar and humor for the rest of this piece and he ejected me. As a result my material had to play cautious to avoid suspension and my assistants just weren’t ready to take over.
Here is an excerpt from our conversation.

Me<“Joey come on you gotta give me something here you got all my best material in foul trouble and sittin on the bench”
JC: “Technical foul”
JC: “Coach sit down and write your column or you’re outta here”
Me: “No I want an explanation, are you determined to even the series, and bring me back down to earth, or were you told to do so.”
JC: “That’s it, another tech you’re gone.”

And with that so went this column down the drain

Ok, I’ll say it, how many strokes will Annika Sorenstam give?

If there was any justice in this world Dr. Emmett L. Brown would have kidnapped the David Robinson of 1995, taken him to 2003 so he could see how he is embarrassing himself now. Then take the DeLorean back to 1999 and convinced him to retire then.

Can anyone explain to me the neutral zone trap?

While on that subject are there any other actual plays in hockey? I mean seriously, how can you design a play when you can barely follow the puck.

The Patriots signed Dedric Ward today. Just what we need is another under six-foot wideout. Now all we need is another slow undersized running back and a 48 year-old cornerback and we’ll be back in Championship contention.

LeBron James just signed a $100 million shoe contract with Nike. In a related note minimum wage was just lowered in Vietnam to three cents and a bowl of rice an hour.

With that obscene contract I will now openly root for any combination of the Clippers, Grizzlies, or Nuggets to win the lottery. At least then he will earn that $100 million.

For the love of God please, just end the Nets-Pistons series, I promise ESPN, I will watch whatever you put on in its place.

After watching three games of Bernie Williams in center field, I have determined that maybe he is left-handed and doesn’t know it. I won’t even say he throws like a girl because it is a disservice to every girl I know. He just makes no effort to throw anybody out when they run on him.

Reason number 479 why ABC is run by handicapped gorillas: Monday Night Football is looking for a replacement for Melissa Stark. Joumana Kidd (yes that Joumana, seriously is there anyone else with moderate celebrity status of that name) is rumored to be a candidate. I applaud (heavy sarcasm) ABC’s decision if they go through with it. It seems the network is determined to see if they can ruin football as a TV sport, as they have done to hockey and basketball.


I will keep my cool and promise not to hurt the team again. It’s my fault I let my ego get in the way. But they were out to screw us and make sure that the columns were even with the occasional “mail it in” job thrown in there so some people will read hoping I fail. I guess you need to have enemies as well as fans. But I got home court tomorrow…